My sweet-pea

I have spent the better part of this weekend looking only at Ada, thinking about the moment she was born and hours leading up to it; remembering how in the throws of labor I thought of all the women before me over the eons of time who worked so hard to bring their babies into this world and how connected I felt to all of them in that birth room.

The rest of the weekend I have spent in outbursts of tears, not only because I was thinking of her birth, (and because I have CRAZY hormones), but because tomorrow I return to work.

Let me start by saying that I am thankful to be working; to have insurance, be able to pay bills and help put food in the fridge. I will most certainly be the last person to complain about having a job, given the daily depression that ensues every time one turns on the news.

Working is not my problem; leaving my baby tomorrow may be harder than it was to deliver her though. I have been thinking about how unnatural it feels to leave her (the feminist in me is twitching a bit making this statement...but only twitching a little bit).

I have visions of putting her in a wrap and carrying her around with me, like the images women working in the fields with their babies strapped to their backs; taking moments out of their day to nurse.

She seems small enough for me to put in my pocket.

Someday I will spend time at home with my kids (yes, one more is the plan) and plant a garden, tend chickens and cook away. Now is not the time for that though.

Sam is at Target at this very moment, picking out a frame (he wanted to pick it out) for me to take pics of Ada with me to work tomorrow to place on my desk. We picked the pictures out together today. The pics I get to look at day in and day out while I am working on a grant, reading email or talking on the Crisis Hotline.

When Sam and I first started dating, he purchased a black-hills gold heart-shaped locket for me on our very first Valentines Day (approx 9-10 years ago). I have never put a picture in that locket until now; and certainly didn't think at the time I opened it that I would put a picture of our daughter in it! I think I may never take that necklace off!

I wonder if this will ever get easier?

Double-chins...

...the only time in our lives when double chins and no teeth are cute!!

Which one is the angel?

The fiber-optic wings change color and keep Ada entertained, for a while at least.

Sad and Happy

OK, OK - here are some more videos! I regret that our Pacific Northwesterners have to watch Ada grow up over the internet. The first video was last night, before Ada went to bed. The second is Ada waking up this morning...and yes, I forgot to change her into PJ's.

Mommy Amnesia

Birth Fog. Post-partum dementia.

Different names for the same affliction.

I feel I've been walking in a fog for 7 weeks. Yep, I've been in this fog since Ada was born.

I find myself having difficulty tracking conversations and drifting off in a daze when there is too much going on around me.

I searched all morning looking for the cap to my water bottle, only to find that it was actually on the water bottle.

I showed up to my 6-week post-partum check up a day early and argued with the receptionist, certain that my appointment was "today".

I had to reach in the backseat the other day to feel for Ada, certain that I had left her at my previous destination (a jolt to my system when I thought I had forgotten her!)...and yes, she was there!

I lose paperwork, my purse, keys, phone, and am quite possibly losing my mind.

I have traded my brain in for something very wonderful...and it's totally worth it.

Independence Day

Ada enjoyed her first 4th of July with lots of eating, sleeping and going to a BBQ!

smiling?

We know...7 week old babies "don't smile", but it sure looks like a smile to us! BTW -- for those of you who have been asking, Ada is 9lb 6oz!

Enjoy the video below.